Anonymous God

            I’m not sure who he is anymore.  Someone just described him as my father resting in his armchair in the light of a late night lamp glow, waiting for me to stumble home from the night’s blurry party and giving me a place to call home. I hope he is like that.  It makes him feel a little more personable than the distant being I see him as now… occasionally passing a disinterested eye over my life, but too remote and disconnected to even flip me an apathetic shrug.  I don’t question his goodness or his greatness.  I’m just skeptical of his infiniteness actually mustering any concern over my day to day pettiness.  If he has the skill set to be the architect of eternity, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to get agitated over my irregular church attendance or the lack of Jesus tunes in my music libraries.

            However he turns out to be, I’m certain I will never find an accurate picture of him in a church or any other “fellowship of believers”.  I read about him in his book.  But he spends more time telling me what he is not than what he is.  He says he is love, but he seems capable of kicking some serious ass when someone pisses him off.  I don’t doubt that he is love.  I’m just not sure what he means by it, and it makes me a little uneasy.  I can’t figure out how to respond to that or what he expects me to do, if anything.

            I recently admitted that I have not been able to overcome the ennui of my own spiritual disorganization.  I know I need to do something about it, but it’s much easier to simply accept the reality of God and not have to expend the energy to maintain a close relationship with him.  I read about Jesus and he strikes me as a guy that would be really hard to be friends with.  His constant uncanny insight and disturbing questions would make me edgy and itchy.  Probably how Iscariot was feeling right before his colossal fuck-up.

            Anyway, I believe in God and Jesus and the Spirit and the Word, but I’m not sure I’m ready to take high-fives from the Buddy Christ of modern Christianity.  And I don’t think I’m going to the lake of fire for seeing him as a bit aloof and bored with humanity.  I like him that way, because I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that if I can just muster up a “come-to-Jesus” epiphany that I will rise on the wings of eagles and my life will be magically happy, holy and healed.  If I understand that “Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam, ‘cause sunbeams are not made like me”, then I stand a better chance of making the real life decisions that might get me to where I need to be with myself and my anonymous God…